Snarky 150

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Updated on August 21, 2019 1:14PM EST

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 20, 2019. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Saquon Barkley	RB	NYG	Only good player on his team
2	Christian McCaffrey	RB	CAR	Poor man's John Riggins
3	Alvin Kamara	RB	NO	Poor man's Reggie Bush
4	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Just a contract holdout, no assault suspension this time
5	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Slowest WR1 ever
6	David Johnson	RB	AZ	Worst ROI in history from 2017-2018
7	Le'Veon Bell	RB	NYJ	Credit for the ménage, but real man protects his ice
8	Nick Chubb	RB	CLE	Starting to get excited about his upside
9	JuJu Smith-Schuster	WR	PIT	Hyphenated names are a cop out. Pick a favorite parent and stick with it
10	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Who was the impostor that scored 8 TDs in the second half of 2018?
11	Davante Adams	WR	GB	Mediocre talent
12	Odell Beckham	WR	CLE	Looks faster without Eli's corpse on his back
13	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Amazing at catching six-yard passes
14	James Conner	RB	PIT	Has a knack for the catastrophic fumble
15	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Was hoping Tyreek Hill went to jail
16	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Always terrible in odd years
17	Tyreek Hill	WR	KC	Move down baby-sitting cheat sheet
18	Damien Williams	RB	KC	Career high in carries is 50
19	Joe Mixon	RB	CIN	Poor man's Rudi Johnson
20	Dalvin Cook	RB	MIN	The year he finally stays healthy!
21	Antonio Brown	WR	OAK	Quite obviously insane
22	Todd Gurley	RB	STL	Don't read into Rams using C.J. Anderson in the Super Bowl
23	Adam Thielen	WR	MIN	Poor man's Steve Largent
24	Leonard Fournette	RB	JAC	Poor man's Trent Richardson
25	Aaron Jones	RB	GB	Mike McCarthy will find a way to bench him yet
26	Melvin Gordon	RB	LAC	Bluffing with 2-7 off suit
27	Kerryon Johnson	RB	DET	Uses entire overhead
28	Keenan Allen	WR	LAC	Garden-variety possession receiver
29	Stefon Diggs	WR	MIN	catching short passes
30	Amari Cooper	WR	DAL	Is fading Antonio Brown this year
31	Marlon Mack	RB	IND	More like Marlon Miata
32	Devonta Freeman	RB	ATL	No brainer at this point in the draft
33	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	Poor man's Dallas Goedert
34	George Kittle	TE	SF	George Brittle
35	Patrick Mahomes	QB	KC	Apparently a FG was too much to ask in first half of AFC title game
36	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	Another wasted year with Jacoby Brissett
37	Chris Godwin	WR	TB	Per Hitler's law, when Godwin is picked, the draft is over
38	Josh Jacobs	RB	OAK	Raiders always worst-case scenario for NFL prospects
39	David Montgomery	RB	CHI	Overhyped rookie du jour
40	Sony Michel	RB	NE	Should have gone with Samsung
41	Mark Ingram	RB	BAL	Poor man's Willis McGahee
42	Derrick Henry	RB	TEN	Would it kill him to catch a pass?
43	Kenny Golladay	WR	DET	Already past his prime
44	Brandin Cooks	WR	LAR	Should have been a chef
45	Robert Woods	WR	LAR	System WR
46	Mike Williams	WR	LAC	How many Mike Williamses are there?
47	D.J. Moore	WR	CAR	Slower version of Curtis Samuel
48	Tyler Boyd	WR	CIN	Gives hope to left-for-dead players around the league
49	Phillip Lindsay	RB	DEN	Name could be adult film title
50	Jarvis Landry	WR	CLE	Gets targets no matter how unwarranted
51	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	Credit where it's due for roid optimization
52	O.J. Howard	TE	TB	Will never be the first person you associate with "O.J."
53	Sterling Shepard	WR	NYG	Excels at tending sheep
54	Evan Engram	TE	NYG	Poor man's Jeremy Shockey
55	Calvin Ridley	WR	ATL	Irrelevant once Julio Jones started scoring TDs
56	James White	RB	NE	Poor man's Kevin Faulk
57	Tarik Cohen	RB	CHI	Fumbling machine
58	Duke Johnson	RB	HOU	Even a peasant could beat out Lamar Miller
59	Tevin Coleman	RB	SF	Change-of-pace back miscast as a starter
60	Darrell Henderson	RB	LAR	A bet on arthritis over the human spirit
61	Miles Sanders	RB	PHI	Part of eight-man RB rotation
62	Chris Carson	RB	SEA	Poor man's Marion the Barbarian
63	Rashaad Penny	RB	SEA	Pound-foolish to spend first-rounder on backup RB
64	Dede Westbrook	WR	JAC	Someone has to catch passes there
65	Cooper Kupp	WR	LAR	Half empty off torn ACL
66	Allen Robinson	WR	CHI	Now playing with Blake Bortles 2.0
67	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	If he plays like peak Jerry Rice again maybe he'll see 75 targets
68	Corey Davis	WR	TEN	Going down Davante Parker career path
69	Deshaun Watson	QB	HOU	Tears ACL during practice in odd years
70	Robby Anderson	WR	NYJ	Good luck timing Adam Gase's whims
71	Alshon Jeffery	WR	PHI	Almost always hurt
72	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Broken man
73	Josh Gordon	WR	NE	You still care what he did in 2013?
74	Will Fuller	WR	HOU	Productive on rare occasion he suits up
75	Baker Mayfield	QB	CLE	Browns should hire Hue Jackson as QB coach
76	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	DEN	32 YO coming off Achilles tear. What could go wrong?
77	Curtis Samuel	WR	CAR	Does best work in preseason
78	Christian Kirk	WR	ARZ	His performance is why ARZ drafted three wideouts this year
79	John Brown	WR	BUF	The Sheriff
80	Dante Pettis	WR	SF	The Inferno was not about Pettis' training camp performance
81	Jamison Crowder	WR	NYJ	Should have been a DB
82	Latavius Murray	RB	NO	Poor man's Mark Ingram
83	Devin Singletary	RB	BUF	Should supplant decaying remains of LeSean McCoy
84	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	This is the year!
85	Courtland Sutton	WR	DEN	If drops are a category, move up 20 spots
86	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Bummed to lose the McCarthy excuse
87	Kenyan Drake	RB	MIA	Already injured
88	Devin Funchess	WR	IND	SOL
89	Marvin Jones	WR	DET	Least exciting player in the draft
90	Anthony Miller	WR	CHI	Dislocated shoulder more times than Martin Riggs
91	Kalen Ballage	RB	MIA	Should have been an adult film star
92	Matt Breida	RB	SF	Injured as often as you'd expect for average-sized man posing as NFL RB
93	Jared Cook	TE	NO	Productive stretches appear almost at random
94	Vance McDonald	TE	PIT	Incapable of 16-game season
95	Hunter Henry	TE	LAC	Going down LaDarius Green career path
96	Sammy Watkins	WR	KC	Shell of his former self
97	DeSean Jackson	WR	PHI	Rich man's Ted Ginn
98	Marquez Valdes-Scantling	WR	GB	See Smith-Schuster, Juju
99	Lamar Miller	RB	HOU	Avoid
100	Austin Ekeler	RB	LAC	Unfair for Gordon to ask for contract when this guy is barely scraping by
101	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Drives team's top receiver out of town each year
102	Parris Campbell	WR	IND	Never trust a player named after a misspelled foreign city
103	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Poor man's Kyler Murray
104	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Poor man's Vanilla Ice
105	Ronald Jones	RB	TB	No one can fathom why he was taken in Round 2
106	Kyler Murray	QB	ARZ	Should have played baseball
107	Peyton Barber	RB	TB	Closer to Hillis than Manning
108	Carson Wentz	QB	PHI	Poor man's Nick Foles
109	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	ARZ	Shameless compiler
110	Derrius Guice	RB	WAS	Adrian Peterson unimpressed by his ACL recovery
111	Jordan Howard	RB	PHI	Filling the Jay Ajayi/LeGarrette Blount veteran plodder role
112	Darwin Thompson	RB	KC	Natural selection at this point
113	Andy Isabella	WR	ARZ	Poor man's Wayne Chrebet
114	Kenny Stills	WR	MIA	Should have been a photographer
115	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	League's most ironically named player
116	Lamar Jackson	QB	BAL	Poor man's Michael Vick
117	Jaylen Samuels	RB	PIT	Encouraging James Conner to hold out
118	Tony Pollard	RB	DAL	Beat writers in Jerry's pocket pretending he's Gehrig to Elliott's Pipp
119	Jared Goff	QB	LAR	System QB
120	Golden Tate	WR	NYG	Platinum Tate roids twice as hard
121	Michael Gallup	WR	DAL	More of a trotter
122	Dak Prescott	QB	DAL	Rare case where team should pay the RB instead
123	Mitchell Trubisky	QB	CHI	Blake Bortles 2.0
124	Jameis Winston	QB	TB	Going down Josh Freeman career path
125	Mark Andrews	TE	BAL	Overhyped sleeper tight end du jour
126	Nyheim Hines	RB	IND	57 Varieties of mediocrity
127	Alexander Mattison	RB	MIN	Sous chef in Minnesota backfield
128	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	See Watkins, Sammy
129	Terry McLaurin	WR	WAS	Only Redskin receiver with a pulse
130	Mecole Hardman	WR	KC	See Ballage, Kalen
131	Justin Jackson	RB	SD	Poor man's Darnell Autry
132	David Njoku	TE	CLE	Joke is on the Browns
133	Deebo Samuel	WR	SF	Poor man's Curtis Samuel
134	Kyle Rudolph	TE	MIN	Poor man's Jason Witten
135	Royce Freeman	RB	DEN	Random player Brad Evans is hyping this year
136	Austin Hooper	TE	ATL	Missed his calling as NBA power forward
137	Donte Moncrief	WR	PIT	Already missed his chance
138	Delanie Walker	TE	TEN	So old he needs a walker
139	Tyrell Williams	WR	OAK	House Tyrell foolishly backing the Raiders
140	Eric Ebron	TE	IND	SOL
141	Dallas Goedert	TE	PHI	Estragon and Vladimir still waiting for him
142	Jimmy Graham	TE	GB	See Olsen, Greg
143	Marquise Brown	WR	BAL	Drafting injured first-round WR is 11-dimensional chess
144	Keke Coutee	WR	HOU	Team medical staff gets plenty of QT with Coutee
145	Carlos Hyde	RB	KC	Less explosive than Dr. Jeckyll
146	Jamaal Williams	RB	GB	Hoping Mike McCarthy gets the job back
147	Quincy Enunwa	WR	NYJ	See Anderson, Robby
148	Tre'Quan Smith	WR	NO	Tough to make big plays when 50-YO QB won't throw 10-YD pass
149	Geronimo Allison	WR	GB	Went undrafted for a reason
150	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	PIT	Put off retirement for good now that he's out of brain cells