Snarky 150: Real PPR Rankings, Snarky Commentary

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Updated on August 15, 2021 11:51AM EST

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 4, 2020. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are tasteless, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Christian McCaffrey	RB	CAR	Only ranked this high due to racism
2	Dalvin Cook	RB	MIN	Cook playing 14 games was miracle of biblical proportion
3	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Late-stage Eddie George had more explosion than 2020 Zeke
4	Alvin Kamara	RB	NO	Enjoy Taysom Hill's 12 TDs
5	Jonathan Taylor	RB	IND	Early-down complement to Marlon Mack
6	Nick Chubb	RB	CLE	Starting to get excited about his upside
7	Derrick Henry	RB	TEN	Earl Campbell concerned about Henry's workload
8	Saquon Barkley	RB	NYG	Should give your eliminated team boost in November
9	Davante Adams	WR	GB	Top-15 real-life receiver
10	Aaron Jones	RB	GB	Change of pace for AJ Dillon
11	Austin Ekeler	RB	LAC	Poor man's Darren Sproles
12	Najee Harris	RB	PIT	Best Najee since "The Dump Truck"
13	Tyreek Hill	WR	KC	Would lose race to real cheetah
14	DK Metcalf	WR	SEA	Lacks agility
15	A.J. Brown	WR	TEN	Titans No. 3 option
16	Calvin Ridley	WR	ATL	Finally rid of Julio Jones
17	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	ARZ	Questionable for Week 1 after Twitter mob attack
18	Antonio Gibson	RB	WAS	Shoulda stayed at WR
19	Clyde Edwards-Helaire	RB	KC	Team brought in Lev Bell's carcass last year
20	Stefon Diggs	WR	BUF	Handy with a shovel
21	Justin Jefferson	WR	MIN	Better than Van Jefferson
22	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Only five months younger than Gronk
23	Terry McLaurin	WR	WAS	Excited for upgrade to 38-year old journeyman
24	Darren Waller	TE	OAK	Raiders only decent player
25	D'Andre Swift	RB	DET	Imposter syndrome risk should he lose a step
26	J.K. Dobbins	RB	BAL	JK stands for Just Kidding, LOL your third-round pick
27	Joe Mixon	RB	CIN	Modest skills still insufficient to overcome abominable line
28	George Kittle	TE	SF	George Brittle
29	Patrick Mahomes	QB	KC	Eli > Brady > Mahomes
30	CeeDee Lamb	WR	DAL	Team should acquire Sterling Shepard as mentor
31	Allen Robinson	WR	CHI	Excited for upgrade to Andy Dalton
32	Keenan Allen	WR	LAC	Poor man's Jarvis Landry
33	Josh Allen	QB	BUF	Drafted after Darnold
34	David Montgomery	RB	CHI	Nelson Agholor found Montgomery's breakout improbable
35	Travis Etienne	RB	JAC	Jets shoulda taken him at 1.2
36	Miles Sanders	RB	PHI	Kilometers at best
37	Cooper Kupp	WR	LAR	Two receivers, one Kupp
38	DJ Moore	WR	CAR	Beside himself after Darnold trade
39	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Team's fourth-best target
40	Chris Godwin	WR	TB	Hitler's law: When the draft gets to Godwin, it's over
41	Kyler Murray	QB	ARZ	Mostly just wiggle
42	Amari Cooper	WR	DAL	Team's third-best receiver not including Jarwin
43	Robert Woods	WR	LAR	Jet sweeps provide only redeeming value
44	Diontae Johnson	WR	PIT	Antonio Brown with cement hands
45	Adam Thielen	WR	MIN	Deep into decline phase
46	Julio Jones	WR	TEN	Boosted Henry and AJ Brown's TD totals after his signing
47	Josh Jacobs	RB	LVS	Plodding early-down back who can't catch
48	Darrell Henderson	RB	LAR	Change-of-pace for Xavier Jones
49	Myles Gaskin	RB	MIA	Good for 3-4 games tops
50	Chris Carson	RB	SEA	Poor man's Marion the Barbarian
51	Trey Sermon	RB	SF	Preaching on ills of over-drafting rookie backs
52	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	Tiny and slow next to DK Beastcalf
53	Justin Herbert	QB	LAC	Only here because team doctor stabbed Tyrod Taylor
54	Deebo Samuel	WR	SF	Rugged style portends certain injury
55	Brandon Aiyuk	WR	SF	12-foot wingspan on six-foot man
56	Tee Higgins	WR	CIN	Bengals so enamored with Higgins, used pick five on Ja'Marr Chase
57	Lamar Jackson	QB	BAL	Slower Michael Vick
58	Kyle Pitts	TE	ATL	Poor man's OJ Howard
59	Dak Prescott	QB	DAL	Getting MRI, but no big deal
60	Mark Andrews	TE	BAL	Hopes Lamar Jackson feeds Marquise Brown, literally
61	Michael Carter	RB	NYJ	Tragically drafted by Jets
62	Javonte Williams	RB	DEN	Melvin Gordon's backup
63	Chase Claypool	WR	PIT	Hoping Steelers draft QB in 2022
64	Robby Anderson	WR	CAR	Tried and failed to escape Sam Darnold
65	Ja'Marr Chase	WR	CIN	Hasn't played in years
66	T.J. Hockenson	TE	DET	Excited for Goff era
67	DJ Chark	WR	JAC	No. 3 WR on Jaguars
68	Odell Beckham	WR	CLE	Farther from his prime than A.J. Green
69	Jerry Jeudy	WR	DEN	Does everything but catch
70	Kareem Hunt	RB	CLE	Has put brief stint at kicker behind him
71	Mike Davis	RB	ATL	Random scrub atop weak depth chart
72	Chase Edmonds	RB	ARZ	Not a serious feature back
73	James Robinson	RB	JAC	Rewarded for his unlikely breakout with Etienne pick
74	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Slated for handoff duty
75	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Should have retired when they didn't can GM
76	Kenny Golladay	WR	NYG	Picking up where he left off
77	Courtland Sutton	WR	DEN	Aghast at QB options
78	JuJu Smith-Schuster	WR	PIT	Reliable source of three-yard catches
79	Mike Williams	WR	LAC	Health and opportunity are his only negatives
80	Jarvis Landry	WR	CLE	Health and opportunity are his only positives
81	Curtis Samuel	WR	WAS	Wisely broke north when Panthers signed Darnold
82	Brandin Cooks	WR	HOU	Shocked to be playing for same team two years in a row
83	Antonio Brown	WR	TB	Brady's played with crazier
84	Tyler Boyd	WR	CIN	Generic short pass catcher
85	DeVonta Smith	WR	PHI	Makes Marquise Brown look like DK Metcalf
86	Melvin Gordon	RB	DEN	Impossible-to-kill plodder exists only to ruin Javonte Williams' value
87	Raheem Mostert	RB	SF	Average man would stand better chance of staying healthy
88	Mecole Hardman	WR	KC	Super Bowl LVP
89	Michael Gallup	WR	DAL	Top speed is a canter
90	Ronald Jones	RB	TB	Cannot catch
91	Leonard Fournette	RB	TB	Poor man's Marshawn Lynch
92	AJ Dillon	RB	GB	Poor man's Christian Okoye
93	Jalen Hurts	QB	PHI	Speaks of himself in the third person when injured
94	Tom Brady	QB	TB	Eli's bitch
95	Laviska Shenault	WR	JAC	Gimmick player no longer needed with Etienne around
96	Jaylen Waddle	WR	MIA	Knowing nothing else, you take him or Michael Gallup?
97	Trevor Lawrence	QB	JAC	Still shudders to think he might have been a Jet
98	Dallas Goedert	TE	PHI	LaDarius Green vibe to Ertz's Antonio Gates
99	Noah Fant	TE	DEN	One of many not that special prospects in passing-game wasteland
100	James Conner	RB	ARZ	The Terminated
101	David Johnson	RB	HOU	At least he won't cost you a first-round pick!
102	Devin Singletary	RB	BUF	The Singletarity is when he finishes as RB1
103	Zack Moss	RB	BUF	Not on any of Keith Richards' teams
104	Kenyan Drake	RB	LVS	Better suited to scrub role
105	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Last year was his ceiling
106	Tre'Quan Smith	WR	NO	Miscast as No. 2, let alone No. 1
107	Matthew Stafford	QB	LAR	Bringing Lions magic to LA
108	Ryan Tannehill	QB	TEN	Career resurrection bigger long shot than Aaron Hernandez's
109	Rob Gronkowski	TE	TB	Gronk staying healthy last year on par with Moses parting Red Sea
110	Tyler Higbee	TE	LAR	Blocking tight end
111	Irv Smith	TE	MIN	Real man drafts Irv Smith Sr.
112	Will Fuller	WR	MIA	Roids only reason he stayed healthy
113	Corey Davis	WR	NYJ	Where careers go to die
114	Marquise Brown	WR	BAL	Way too skinny
115	Nelson Agholor	WR	NE	Most random breakout in a decade
116	Marvin Jones	WR	JAC	Melvin Gordon of wide receivers
117	Michael Pittman	WR	IND	Astounded team downgraded from Rivers
118	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	Roughly as durable as Will Fuller
119	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	T.Y. Ramada Inn
120	Nyheim Hines	RB	IND	Only purpose is to undermine Jonathan Taylor
121	Damien Harris	RB	NE	Incapable of catching a pass
122	Phillip Lindsay	RB	HOU	Poor man's Matt Breida
123	Tony Pollard	RB	DAL	Certain to be exposed if Zeke gets hurt
124	Jamaal Williams	RB	DET	Change of pace from swift
125	Gus Edwards	RB	BAL	Poor man's Le'Ron McClain
126	Kenneth Gainwell	RB	PHI	Pressure to live up to name
127	Mike Gesicki	TE	MIA	Aptly named in the COVID era
128	Latavius Murray	RB	NO	Only Latavius in NFL history
129	Giovani Bernard	RB	TB	Only back on roster who can catch
130	Xavier Jones	RB	LAR	No idea who this is
131	Logan Thomas	TE	WAS	Random player who saw work last year
132	Robert Tonyan	TE	GB	Won't score 11 more TDs in career
133	Chuba Hubbard	RB	CAR	Poor man's Nick Chubb
134	James White	RB	NE	Only listed because of projection; no reason to draft
135	J.D. McKissic	RB	WAS	Only person sorry to see Alex Smith go
136	Jerick McKinnon	RB	KC	Won't help you, but should destroy CEH team
137	Alexander Mattison	RB	MIN	If Cook goes down, he'll be 25% as effective
138	Rondale Moore	WR	ARZ	Team's best RB
139	Rashaad Penny	RB	SEA	Seahawks starting to think they overdrafted him
140	Salvon Ahmed	RB	MIA	Random player listed behind shaky starter
141	Gabriel Davis	WR	BUF	Slow
142	Christian Kirk	WR	ARZ	Team keeps acquiring other WRs
143	Henry Ruggs	WR	LVS	Going down Darrius Heyward-Bey career path
144	Elijah Moore	WR	NYJ	Only decent player on Jets, now hurt
145	Hunter Henry	TE	NE	Already hurt
146	Darnell Mooney	WR	CHI	Significance of role attests to catastrophic lack of depth
147	Darrynton Evans	RB	TEN	Half the man Henry is
148	Kirk Cousins	QB	MIN	Vows to wear hazmat suit in huddle
149	Joe Burrow	QB	CIN	Bengals gonna get him annihilated again
150	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Vanilla Ice