Snarky 150: Overall Cheat Sheet with Obnoxious Commentary

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Updated on August 22, 2015 8:25PM EST

This is an overall list for 12-team standard leagues as of August 22, 2015. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

(Even though it's the "Snarky150", I went to 166 because I had already written the comments before finalizing the rankings.)

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Le'Veon Bell	RB	PIT	Smoked out DeAngelo Williams during OTAs
2	Adrian Peterson	RB	MIN	Ranked lower on babysitting cheat sheet
3	Dez Bryant	WR	DAL	Greatest catch of his life ruled incomplete
4	Odell Beckham	WR	NYG	Bend it (your hamstring the wrong way) like Beckham
5	Eddie Lacy	RB	GB	Shed 140 pounds since rookie training camp photo
6	Antonio Brown	WR	PIT	Failed to eclipse 145 yards in any game last year
7	Jamaal Charles	RB	KC	Chiefs only good receiver
8	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Sharing targets with Roddy White's carcass
9	Demaryius Thomas	WR	DEN	Hopefully he shows up Weeks 1-3 this year
10	Calvin Johnson	WR	DET	Should change his name to "Silver Tate"
11	Rob Gronkowski	TE	NE	Half frat boy, half gorilla
12	Marshawn Lynch	RB	SEA	DGAF
13	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Still stuck with Andy Dalton
14	Jeremy Hill	RB	CIN	Poor man's Rudi Johnson
15	DeMarco Murray	RB	PHI	392 carries for league's most injury-prone back. What could go wrong?
16	C.J. Anderson	RB	DEN	Undrafted free agent posing as early-round pick
17	Alshon Jeffery	WR	CHI	As focused as his quarterback
18	Randall Cobb	WR	GB	Would lose a fight to Randall "Tex" Cobb
19	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Not related to Brad Evans
20	Jordan Matthews	WR	PHI	Bandwagon denser than a black hole
21	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	Neck-beard fauna deters defenders from getting close
22	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Produced with Fitzpatrick but draws the line at Hoyer/Mallett
23	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Poor man's AROD
24	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	DEN	A nutless monkey could post those numbers as Peyton's No. 2
25	Matt Forte	RB	CHI	Running the ball was not his forte in 2014
26	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	T.Y. Motel 6
27	Brandin Cooks	WR	NO	Name is a complete sentence
28	Alfred Morris	RB	WAS	Apparently can catch an occasional pass
29	Melvin Gordon	RB	SD	Poor man's Ryan Mathews
30	LeSean McCoy	RB	BUF	Sent packing by racist coach
31	Justin Forsett	RB	BAL	Journeyman with a job
32	Lamar Miller	RB	MIA	Got 5.1 YPC, and the Dolphins still don't trust him
33	Golden Tate	WR	DET	Fears Platinum Tate will one day take his job
34	Sammy Watkins	WR	BUF	Talent wasted in Buffalo
35	Jimmy Graham	TE	SEA	System tight end
36	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Deceptive speed
37	Frank Gore	RB	IND	Older than Methuselah
38	Latavius Murray	RB	OAK	Couldn't beat out MJD and McFadden last year
39	Keenan Allen	WR	SD	After fluke rookie year, showed why he slipped to third round
40	Andre Ellington	RB	ARZ	Change-of-pace back forced into ill-fitting starting job
41	Mark Ingram	RB	NO	Productive on the rare occasion he's healthy
42	Joseph Randle	RB	DAL	Could steal you a title… if he's in a bookstore
43	Todd Gurley	RB	STL	<<<<< Dexter Manley
44	T.J. Yeldon	RB	JAC	Poor man's Denard Robinson
45	Martavis Bryant	WR	PIT	Apparently 11.2 yards per target not enough to displace Wheaton
46	Jeremy Maclin	WR	KC	O/U on TDs is zero
47	Brandon Marshall	WR	NYJ	So desperate to ditch Cutler, he signed with the Jets
48	Victor Cruz	WR	NYG	Vows not to cry next time he gets hurt
49	Jonathan Stewart	RB	CAR	Poised for rare Year-8 breakout
50	DeSean Jackson	WR	WAS	Gang kingpin
51	Allen Robinson	WR	JAC	Poor man's Justin Blackmon
52	Carlos Hyde	RB	SF	Plays like Dr. Jeckyll
53	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	Deceptive speed
54	Martellus Bennett	TE	CHI	Wasted half his career behind Jason Witten
55	Amari Cooper	WR	OAK	Drafted by organization where careers go to die
56	Andre Johnson	WR	IND	Even Luck can't stem precipitous decline
57	Drew Brees	QB	NO	Skills eroded so severely, Saints converting to run-first-offense
58	Davante Adams	WR	GB	Pretending to be upset about Nelson's injury.
59	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	Doesn't remember the Super Bowl
60	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Not having sex for "religious reasons"
61	C.J. Spiller	RB	NO	Going down the Darren McFadden career path
62	Peyton Manning	QB	DEN	Papa Johns now synonymous with indigestion and postseason failure
63	Ameer Abdullah	RB	DET	Thinks team's starting RB is a Joique
64	Jarvis Landry	WR	MIA	Poor man's Kendall Wright
65	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Vanilla Ice
66	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	PIT	Descended from the same gorilla as Gronkowski
67	Rashad Jennings	RB	NYG	Only back more injury prone than Shane Vereen
68	Joique Bell	RB	DET	Apparently Ameer Abdullah is no Joique
69	Doug Martin	RB	TB	Rookie season seems like another lifetime
70	Michael Floyd	WR	ARZ	Poor man's Jason Pierre-Paul
71	Arian Foster	RB	HOU	Considerate enough to get hurt before people drafted
72	LeGarrette Blount	RB	NE	The good guy on a franchise with Tom Brady and Aaron Hernandez
73	Chris Ivory	RB	NYJ	In parallel universe, he's a white guy named Chris Ebony
74	Tevin Coleman	RB	ATL	This year's Devonta Freeman
75	Roddy White	WR	ATL	Needlessly siphoning targets from Julio Jones
76	Mike Wallace	WR	MIN	Fast does not equal good
77	Ryan Mathews	RB	PHI	Only player less durable is DeMarco Murray coming off a 392-carry season
78	Marques Colston	WR	NO	Kept around for old times' sake
79	Charles Johnson	WR	MIN	Tough transition from major-league catcher to NFL wideout
80	Vincent Jackson	WR	TB	Destitute dog's Mike Evans
81	Brandon LaFell	WR	NE	How the not mighty have LaFallen
82	Anquan Boldin	WR	SF	Hines Ward is Robert Smith compared to Boldin. (The Cure's Robert Smith.)
83	Giovani Bernard	RB	CIN	One-time rising star now one-dimensional third-down back
84	Nelson Agholor	WR	PHI	Worried racist Chip Kelly will cut him next
85	Alfred Blue	RB	HOU	Alfred Happy now that Foster is hurt
86	Torrey Smith	WR	SF	Anquan Boldin's lackey
87	Eli Manning	QB	NYG	Mocks Peyton for sucking in the postseason
88	Tony Romo	QB	DAL	Worst holder in NFL history
89	John Brown	WR	ARZ	Shot by Bob Marley
90	Tom Brady	QB	NE	Willing to do whatever it takes
91	Devin Funchess	WR	CAR	Part of Carolina's all tight-end WR corps
92	Brian Quick	WR	STL	Ironically named
93	Devonta Freeman	RB	ATL	Small and slow
94	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	Couldn't even make it to training camp healthy
95	Breshad Perriman	WR	BAL	Too scared to take Steve Smith's targets
96	Tre Mason	RB	STL	Rams really appreciated his work last year judging by their draft
97	Bishop Sankey	RB	TEN	Tremendous northwest-southeast (diagonal) runner
98	David Johnson	RB	ARZ	So untrusted, team brought in Chris Johnson's carcass
99	David Cobb	RB	TEN	Rook vs. Bishop for the starting job
100	Eric Decker	WR	NYJ	Deceptive speed
101	Knile Davis	RB	KC	Building career as insurance policy
102	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	This year's Zach Ertz
103	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Only Cutler has worse body language when things go south
104	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	ARZ	And Gerald fits Larry
105	Dwayne Bowe	WR	CLE	Jerry Rice compared to CLE WR. But Alex Smith is Joe Montana compared to their QBs
106	Terrance Williams	WR	DAL	One-dimensional deep threat
107	Pierre Garcon	WR	WAS	Another showing like last year, he'll soon be waiting tables
108	Vernon Davis	TE	SF	Epic no-show in 2014
109	Jordan Cameron	TE	MIA	Deceptive speed
110	Owen Daniels	TE	DEN	Deceptive speed
111	Isaiah Crowell	RB	CLE	"He is the first, he is the last; besides him there is no Cleveland RB"
112	Jason Witten	TE	DAL	Deceptive speed
113	Terrance West	RB	CLE	Not a north-south runner
114	Duke Johnson	RB	CLE	Overhyped rookie in dead-end job
115	Rueben Randle	WR	NYG	Delis should add chopped liver to sandwich bearing his name
116	Donte Moncrief	WR	IND	Andre Johnson's corpse senselessly interfering with development
117	Steve Johnson	WR	SD	Could struggle adjusting to competent QB play
118	Josh Huff	WR	PHI	Often leaves places angrily
119	Philip Rivers	QB	SD	Recklessly overpopulating the planet
120	Cody Latimer	WR	DEN	Decided to learn the playbook this year
121	Eddie Royal	WR	CHI	When Bears cut him next summer, they'll have a Royal Flush
122	Kenny Stills	WR	MIA	Poor man's Mike Wallace
123	Ryan Tannehill	QB	MIA	Should have stayed at wide receiver
124	Shane Vereen	RB	NYG	Can only be used on 1/3 of the downs, and is injured half the time
125	Kendall Wright	WR	TEN	Kendall Wrong - at least at 1.20 in 2012
126	Montee Ball	RB	DEN	This year's price more accurately reflects his skill level
127	Philly Brown	WR	CAR	Was hoping to play for the Eagles
128	Jonas Gray	RB	NE	New alarm clock delivers testicular electric shock.
129	Jordy Nelson	WR	GB	Just in case
130	Sam Bradford	QB	PHI	Rams should have taken Suh
131	Denard Robinson	RB	JAC	Team drafting Yeldon speaks for itself
132	Andre Williams	RB	NYG	One-dimensional plodder
133	Delanie Walker	TE	TEN	Too short for the position
134	Cameron Artis-Payne	RB	CAR	Cross between Ron Artest and Kevin Payne
135	Darren McFadden	RB	DAL	Do you believe in miracles?
136	Charles Sims	RB	TB	Poor man's Shane Vereen
137	Colin Kaepernick	QB	SF	Thrilled his team no longer fields an NFL defense
138	Markus Wheaton	WR	PIT	Arbitrarily named the starter opposite Antonio Brown
139	Tyler Eifert	TE	CIN	Poor man's Tim Krumrie
140	Matthew Stafford	QB	DET	Dollar talent, 10-cent head
141	Phillip Dorsett	WR	IND	Poor man's Tony Dorsett
142	Steve Smith	WR	BAL	So obviously washed up, but no one brave enough to give him the message
143	Jordan Reed	TE	WAS	Likely to join other Redskins tight ends on IR before long
144	Cecil Shorts	WR	HOU	Does well in a down market
145	Marvin Jones	WR	CIN	Jonesing for a new foot
146	Dan Herron	RB	IND	Bust Herron
147	Percy Harvin	WR	BUF	Buffalo is where recalcitrant receivers go to behave (see Owens, Terrell)
148	Kenny Britt	WR	STL	Healthy and not in jail
149	Jay Ajayi	RB	MIA	Last name pronounced: "In-Jai-ured"
150	Josh Hill	TE	NO	Poor man's Ben Watson
151	Antonio Gates	TE	SD	Also uses Viagra
152	Jay Cutler	QB	CHI	Truly DGAF
153	Justin Hunter	WR	TEN	Poor man's Francis Begbie (NSFW)
154	Brandon Coleman	WR	NO	Useful for blocking field goals
155	Javorius Allen	RB	BAL	Random scrub
156	Stedman Bailey	WR	STL	Oprah's husband
157	Justin Hardy	WR	ATL	Random scrub
158	Roy Helu	RB	OAK	You know it's over when a veteran signs with the Raiders
159	Michael Crabtree	WR	OAK	See Helu, Roy
160	Jerick McKinnon	RB	MIN	Doesn't beat his toddlers with a stick
161	Lance Dunbar	RB	DAL	Not taken seriously for the job
162	James White	RB	NE	Could catch 70 passes or be cut
163	DeAngelo Williams	RB	PIT	Still high from session with Le'Veon Bell
164	Reggie Bush	RB	SF	Journeyman situational back peaked in college
165	Dorial Green-Beckham	WR	TEN	Decades-long development project
166	Teddy Bridgewater	QB	MIN	He's on your side when times get rough and friends just can't be found