This article is part of our Thunderbastard series.
Welcome to The ThunderBastard, my new attempt at combining two things that I love, soccer and writing (neither of which I am very talented at).
So, with the help of my favorite John Cusack movies, here are some ideas to help you in your EPL Fantasy Leagues:
Hot Tub Time Machine
It feels a little bit like going back in time to 2010 when Andy Carroll was scoring goals and always in the mix at Newcastle United. No, 2014 West Ham Carroll is not at that same pace right now, however, I love his matchup with Leicester City. Nigel Pearson's squad has lost five of its last six matches and has given up at least two goals in all but a couple of their road fixtures this year. I like Carroll's ability in the air against Leicester's defense and think that Carroll's nice low price of £7.0 (in the Premier League's official fantasy game) is worth considering when building your lineup this week.
Grosse Point Blank
In this classic, Cusack goes back to his high school reunion; his job, an assassin. I don't know if Swansea's Wilfried Bony is planning on going back to reunion anytime soon, but, he has been an EPL assassin these last few weeks. Bony has scored four goals in his last five games and has netted eight times in his last ten Premier League fixtures. This week, Bony is matching up with Hull City and you can expect him to keep up his torrid goal-scoring pace. Bony is available for £8.6 and is a smart play this week (use him now before Liverpool buys him for £20m and knocks his goal scoring off target).
Wanna see some Bony magic---enjoy this compilation of brilliance:
The Sure Thing
A Sure Thing…"no questions asked, no strings attached, no guilt involved, 100 percent safe bet." Just as this was music to Walter Gibson's ears, so should it be to yours to hear that Robin van Persie is going on a tear. Ever since being called out by Louis van Gaal, RVP has caught fire. Though the Aston Villa defense can be stingy (and we all like Brad Guzan) you have to know when a superstar is about to explode…and RVP is. So if you want that Sure Thing, you don't have to hitch a ride to California (if you haven't seen the movie, go find it on Netflix right now), you just have to pony up over £12 to get him, but it'll be worth it!
By the way, Nicolette Sheridan (aka, The Sure Thing) is now 51 and you likely know her from Desperate Housewives.
Better Off Dead
Clearly the best two characters in 1985 Cusack romantic comedy are Monique, the French foreign-exchange student and Johnny, the paperboy ("I want my two-dollars"). So with that I mind, here is your best French EPL fantasy play: Hugo Lloris. With Spurs putting together a decent run -- three wins and a draw in their last five fixtures -- Lloris makes an attractive play for the next stretch. During this five-game run, Spurs have only given up more than a goal on one occasion (3-0 drubbing to Chelsea). With back-to-back games against Burnley and Leicester City coming up, it seems like Lloris might be your "choix intelligent." As for the paperboy reference, not sure what it has to do with Fantasy Premiere League, but, it gave me a chance to add this video clip!
Say Anything
With my final piece of advice, I turn to possibly the most well-known Cusack classic, Say Anything (though I prefer The Sure Thing). In order to do this I will be taking some of the most famous lines from the late 80s classic and make pretend that they have anything to do with your fantasy lineup:
"She's gone, she gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen." - Lloyd Dobler
A pen would be a big step up from anything that Super Mario Balotelli has given Liverpool fans this season and now that he has been suspended for Sunday's game against Arsenal, I hope you no longer have him anywhere near your lineup, team, or even on your computer screen.
"Dude, where'd she dump you, man?" – Joe
"In the car." – Lloyd
"Oh man, your car? Man, dissed in the Malibu. That's your castle, man." – Joe
Getting dumped in your car is like getting blown out at home, expect that this weekend when Chelsea visits Britannia Stadium and Stoke. The Blues lost last year's fixture here, but don't expect a repeat performance. Stoke hasn't had a clean sheet since September and that won't change this week. Look for Eden Hazard's road scoring slump to end during this game and make sure that you don't have any Stoke players in your starting team---it won't be pretty.
"You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise." – Lloyd Dobler
Looking for a potential pleasant surprise this week, consider Steven Taylor. I like his chances of starting and the upcoming matchups with Sunderland, Everton, and Burnley (not as excited about Gameweek 18 against Man U) and the price is right at £3.9. Certainly not your top choice, but if you are in a pinch, this pick might steal you some important points.
And for your viewing pleasure….a classic ThunderBastard by John Metgod!
Author's note: If you are too young to know these Cusack movie references don't worry, my next masterpiece will be based on Jesse J songs!
