This article is part of our Thunderbastard series.
In trying to figure out how to inform and entertain my loyal fans, I had great plans to use both Valentine's Day and the Grammy's to help me explore the world of Fantasy EPL.
Unfortunately (or so I thought), the gameweek schedule (and mine) didn't jive with those two events and now they are both clearly too old to use (though my Taylor Swift / Whitman Sampler connection was going to be damn good). So, I sat on my couch last Sunday night wondering what angle I could possibly use to help guide my thousands of readers through this weekend's slate of games. Then it happened: I flipped my 60-inch TV to the SNL 40th anniversary special and my prayers were answered----suddenly, I had my new Thunderbastard muse.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have been referred to as a cross between Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon (that thud you may have just heard was my wife beating her head against the wall). So, when they walked on the SNL stage, I knew I was onto something. In case you missed it, (likely NOT because you were watching the NBA All-Star game…does Rebound and Rant author Ken Crites even watch that game?) let me give you a quick idea of what the Timberlake/Fallon skit was all about. They did a little song and dance (similar to their history of rap bit) and included as many of the famous SNL catch-phrases as they could. As usual, my adopted duo did a great job getting across a large number of these catch-phrases and took the viewer through an entertaining history of SNL.
So, in honor of my man JT and my homie the Fall-on Guy, here you go: I will now give you some fantastic and amazingly free fantasy EPL advice, all while using some of the most famous catch-phrases in SNL history!
American Hero Tim Howard is back---and he's going to pump…you up!
Yes, our World Cup hero (remember, the one that led the US to a 1-2-1 record) and budding EPL announcing star Timmy Howard has made it back to the Everton lineup! He played very well in a tough 1-0 loss to Chelsea last week and I like his chances of putting up some nice fantasy numbers this weekend. Howard will lead Everton when they host bottom-dweller Leicester City in one of those too-good-to-be-true (for Everton) matchups. Leicester has lost four straight EPL games and are in real danger of falling even deeper into the relegation hole.
The Foxes are only 16th in the league when it comes to getting shots on goal with 11.2 per game and only 3.3 of those actually hit the target—in other words, Timmy might not need to put have a "Belgiumesque" performance in this one. Look for Howard to have an easy time getting the win and a great chance of getting his first clean sheet since Nov 1--- Shwing!
If you like the Everton play, consider starting 20 year old John Stones as well. He has solidified himself as a 90-minute man and can be had for only £5.2m in the Premier League's official fantasy game. Stones has 23 fantasy points in his last four games (well, isn't that special?) and is likely to build on that against Leicester. Trust me…Give Stones a chance!
Mesut Ozil---he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.
Ozil is in fine form and there is no reason to expect that to change this weekend when Arsenal visits Crystal Palace. In his last three EPL fixtures, Ozil has 32 fantasy points and has scored two goals and recorded three assists. Crystal Palace ranks 20th in possession and has routinely struggled to defend skilled players in the offensive third. Arsenal should have plenty of the ball and you can expect Ozil to use his precision passing to set up some quality chances. Plus, considering his current form, it is very likely that he will also find the back of the net in this game. He does not live in a van down by the river and you can feel very comfortable plugging Ozil and his £9.1m salary into your lineup.
Play Hazard, yea, that's the ticket!
True, it doesn't take an EPL genius to know that playing Eden Hazard is a good idea, but I want to be sure that you realize just how good of an idea it is to play him this weekend.
Hazard will lead Chelsea against a weak Burnley squad and it is a good bet that he will put up some excellent fantasy numbers. On the year, Hazard has scored an amazing 152 fantasy points and has put up at least six points in 13 games. Burnley should be some easy pickings for Hazard and Chelsea; they are 19th in the league with only 16.8 tackles per game and also 19th in the league when it comes to possession (43.5 percent). Put those together and you have a team that doesn't control the ball much and really doesn't do much to win it back. So it should come as no surprise that they are one of the league-leaders in shots allowed per game (14.9).
The only way Hazard isn't a fantastic play is if Burnley puts Ditka in goal and change their name to Daaaaa Bears!
Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Blue... (yes, Paul McCartney played on SNL too)
As if Manchester City wasn't strong enough, now they bring back two players that could very well tip the balance of the league in their favor, Jake and Ellwood Blues, NOT. City does get back Yaya Toure and Wilfried Bony, and they are certainly Two Wild and Crazy Guys! Look for them to stay hot coming off their great run leading the Ivory Coast to the Africa Nations Cup.
Toure had been on a phenomenal roll just prior to leaving City for the tournament, scoring three goals and garnering two Man of the Match Awards in his last three EPL games. Toure has won nine of the 10 fixtures he has played in against Newcastle, and you can look for him to be motivated to reassert himself as a key cog in the Man City machine.
Also back from the Africa Cup of Nations, however with much more pressure is "here she comes now singing" Wilfried Bony Bony (slight liberty taken with the name there). Before the AFCON started, Man City bought Bony for £28 million and they will be expecting an immediate return on their investment. In a "what have you done for me lately" world, it would be very easy to forget that Bony is a beast. To put it in perspective, he has not played an EPL match since Gameweek 20 and yet he comes into this weekend as City's fourth-leading fantasy scorer (85 points, including nine goals in 16 games). Bony had two goals and two assists in his last three games at the AFCON, and though it often takes strikers time to settle in with a new squad, expect Bony to make an impact in his first game and have City fans saying, "Bony, you look mah-velous."
Jane, you ignorant slut, why are you not playing Harry Kane?
Not much to say here, you know I am a huge fan of Kane and there is NO reason to leave him out of your lineup. In Kane's last three EPL games he has five goals, two yellow cards, and an assist. During that span, Kane has racked up 36 fantasy points and he MUST be on your starting list. Kane is going against a struggling West Ham team and it is hard to imagine that he won't put up monster points in this one. So please, stop putting in Man U players that are playing out of position and diving worse than Chevy Chase (see Wayne Rooney's dive this week v. Preston) and trust Mr. Harry Kane…if you don't play Kane, all I can say is Buh Bye!
Thunderbastard of the Week: In a slight change of pace, this week we go to a close friend of the Thunderbastard, the Thundersnow, for our video!
