The Spread Offensive: Two QBs Equal None

An old adage in football is that when you have two quarterbacks, you really have none. Two storied programs are learning the hard way this season that just because you have a choice, it's not necessarily a good thing. Elaboration forthcoming.

No position receives more focus or agonizing scrutiny than quarterback. Because I'm a wordsmith and was a rapper in my former life, I'm going to sync up some of the most high-profile quarterback situations in college football with some top-notch rap songs. Basically, artists or song titles that I think encompass each team's quarterback situation. Yes, this is really happening. No, you can't do anything to stop it.

Ole Miss -99 Problems But A QB Ain't One (Jay-Z)

It would have been great to see Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze lay this line on Alabama coach Nick Saban at the press conference after Saturday's game: "If you're having QB problems, I feel bad for you, son." We'll get to Alabama later on. In reality, the Rebels have far fewer than the 99 problems that Jay-Z had. They are 3-0 and just scored 43 points on Alabama's supposedly impregnable defense, vaulting into the top 5 of the most recent rankings.

Did you know Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly made a rap song ... about himself and his exploits on the field? I admit this may have been my inspiration for this column. Do yourself a favor and Google it. I can't get it out of my head. He uses the word "swag" at least 30 times in the song. It's amazing. It may be catchier than the infamous song Miami's Seventh Floor Crew put out in the mid-2000s. Shout out to G-Reg, Greg Olsen. I don't think Kelly's rap career is headed anywhere, but he has been transcendent for the Rebels on the gridiron. In three games, Kelly has racked up 898 yards and 12 touchdowns. Granted, two games came against cupcake opponents, but Kelly showed his meddle in the Alabama game, completing 18 of 33 passes for 341 yards and three touchdowns, while also rushing for another score. Hit the field it's going down, Chad Kelly! The Rebels could not be more pleased with the play of their rapper/quarterback.

Ohio State -0 to 100 (Drake)

The Buckeyes are still on top of the college football world, winning 16 consecutive games dating to last season, just as Drake has taken on all comers, most recently Meek Mill. Much was made of the battle in the offseason between Cardale Jones and J.T. Barrett for the starting quarterback job for the defending National Champions. However, the situation was viewed as an ideal one for coach Urban Meyer. Both QBs proved extremely capable last season in handling the offense, and it was thought that no matter who started under center, the Buckeyes would be just fine.

Well, as you're probably tired of hearing me say already in this column, each season stands on its own. The Buckeyes have looked sluggish on offense in all three games, really. Going through the motions no matter who lines up under center. They've been so much more talented than their opponents thus far, though, that they've been able to turn things up 0 to 100 real quick. Basically, Ohio State has looked like a team that simply decides when to turn it on when it has to. This is fine against Northern Illinois, but may not be advisable against a team like Michigan State. The Spartans have no such quarterback issues in 2015, as Connor Cook has 695 yards passing and eight touchdowns. The Buckeyes have a lot of enemies, and the target on their backs this season has made both Jones and Barrett uncomfortable under center. Or perhaps it is Urban Meyer's unwillingness to simply pick a starter and stick with him.

Alabama - The Real Slim Shady (Eminem)

Will the real Alabama quarterback please stand up? On paper, Jake Coker is your prototypical quarterback. He's the Ken doll of college quarterbacks. Nearly 6-foot-6, 230, absurd arm strength. If the Terminator played quarterback those would be his attributes. Jimbo Fisher once said Coker was the most physically gifted quarterback he had ever coached. This was while he had Jameis "Crab Legs" Winston on his roster. Then why did Cooper Bateman start Saturday's game against Ole Miss? Why has Coker failed to distinguish himself the last two seasons against quarterbacks who are less physically gifted? I don't know Coker personally. He might be the hardest worker in the room, a film junkie and just the product of playing for an incredibly demanding coach in Nick Saban. The guess here, though, is that Coker, who played well in relief of Bateman on Saturday, gets rattled easily. He is also slow to diagnose defenses. Add those two together, and confidence could be the chief factor in Coker's inconsistency. He wasn't able to shake Blake Sims last year, and he hasn't been able to shake Cooper Bateman this season. Coker did score four touchdowns Saturday against Ole Miss, but also threw two picks, and it remains to be seen who the Tide will start each week.

Georgia - Alright (Kendrick Lamar)

I passed over "All Eyez On Me" by Tupac, because I could not in good conscience compare mediocre Georgia quarterback Greyson Lambert to arguably the greatest rapper of all time. Instead, this is an ode to the panicked Georgia bulldogs fan base that was calling for Lambert's head after a dismal Week 2 performance at Vanderbilt. The graduate transfer set an NCAA accuracy record against South Carolina, completing 24 of 25 passes. Yes, you read that correctly. Lambert also threw three touchdowns in the 52-20 rout over the rival Gamecocks. While South Carolina is clearly not a very good team, Lambert struggled the prior week against an even worse Vanderbilt squad. Everything's gon be alright for the Bulldogs, particularly if Lambert can lean on running backs Nick Chubb and Sony Michel. The latter often gets lost in the shuffle due to the publicity given to Chubb, but Michel is an extremely shifty, versatile back in his own right. He found the end zone three times against South Carolina. With Auburn looking lost and Alabama losing to Ole Miss, the Bulldogs could be ready to ascend to the top of the SEC. Lambert does not need to be perfect, though. Georgia has enough talent.

Notre Dame - Forgot about Dame (Dr. Dre)

Forgive the play on words here. In any event, hip-hop would not be what it is today without Dr. Dre. And whether you like it or not, college football isn't the same without Notre Dame. Remember when Dr. Dre came back, after everyone thought he was finished? He signed Eminem, released 2001, and suddenly was resurrected. Just like everyone Forgot About Dre, they also Forgot about Notre Dame. The Irish are starting their third quarterback since the end of last season. Everett Golson and Brian Kelly simply could not coexist, and Notre Dame decided to go with the youth movement with Malik Zaire. It worked -- for two-plus games. Zaire broke his ankle against Virginia, and will miss the rest of the season. Enter DeShone Kizer. The sophomore threw the game-winning touchdown in relief of Zaire at Virginia in Week 2, then piloted a 30-22 victory over a Georgia Tech squad that looked unbeatable the first two games of the year. Notre Dame has now beaten three power conference teams in a row to begin the year (yes, Texas still counts as a power conference team). Written off, Notre Dame instead keeps piling up victories.

The Irish should be Straight Outta Quarterbacks. Instead, they're still undefeated with the College Football Playoff in their sights.